…higher than the ceiling.

Hey guess what?


The good news – I do not have to be on insulin, even though I have to take oral meds.

The bad news – holy fuck I miss sugar.

The good news – my HgA1C went from 11.4 in May to 7.2 in July (meaning my average blood sugar dropped from 283 to 150 in 2 months).

The bad news – no seriously have you seen that Speculoos Cookie Core Ben & Jerry’s?

The good news – I’ve lost ~50 lbs from my highest weight.

The bad news – that number happened 3 weeks ago and it hasn’t changed. Perhaps that’s because work has been very stressful and even though I haven’t given in to my urge to eat my way through Hershey’s entire inventory I have drowned my sorrows in various other foods, like honey roasted macadamia nuts. Also, because I have been working a lot of overtime, I have developed a serious Starbucks problem (as has the rest of the office). At least I’m getting them sugar-free, right?

In other news, apparently being diagnosed with the Beetus is stressful, because my hair is falling out. I had two doctors test my thyroid, and they’re like, nope, you’re fine. REALLY you’re fine. Have you tried vitamins? Yes? Well, try some more, and we’ll send you to a dermatologist who will also confirm that you’re fine. PS, you need to get out more, you have a Vitamin D deficiency. The dermatologist was like “yep, stress. I promise. It’ll be better in a few months.” That’s ASSUMING I have any hair left and also assuming I can afford enough Drano to keep my shower drain unclogged.

Further news, my back is not making me very happy right now either. You would *think* that since I had a spinal cord stimulator installed a year ago, and that because I’ve been exercising and have lost weight, that my back would be awesome. Not so much. Even though the radicular pain from the jacked-up discs is better, I still have inflammation at the S-I joint…which makes it hurt to sit for any length of time, even in my fancy Tempurpedic chair. Basically, this inflammation can really only be treated by burning the nerves with an electrified needle. It’s about as much fun as you would imagine, as the whole “conscious sedation” thing doesn’t work so well on me. Dear body, why can’t you metabolize french fries fast, instead of Versed? I had this done again in July. It worked on one side, but the other side is still being an asshead. So I’ve had to take painkillers again, and while they help with the hurting part, I’m not sure it’s worth it to not poop for weeks. (I’m just being honest. My doctor laughed when I said this, but agreed with me. IT’S A MEDICAL FACT. Why no, I don’t have a filter.)

Fuck you, hair.

Fuck you, S-I joint.

Also fuck you, genetics.

I suppose I have started some healthier habits. I get in my 10K steps every day. I really have been trying very hard not to eat a ton of refined sugar. I go to bed at a reasonable hour.

God, I’m so fucking boring.

Song of the Day: “Diane Young” – Vampire Weekend
Today’s Time Waster: You know you’ve missed cat videos more than my lame blog entries.
What I’m Craving: I think that has been made abundantly clear.


Ten Things Making My Head Hurt Today

1. Baby lawyer who doesn’t think it’s overkill to send something by e-mail, fax, and certified mail.

2. Same baby lawyer who will arbitrarily schedule and reschedule things without one single thought to how many phone calls that will entail.

3. For fuck’s sake, I started doing this when you were in goddamn second grade. I am not even putting up with this high-maintenance bullshit.

4. Oh god her assistant gave notice.

5. My cell phone’s battery life has turned to shit, even though I task-manager shut down everything every time I so much as open an app.

6. Microsoft Word, which will track the FUCK out of document revisions…until you want it to.

7. Microsoft Outlook, which for some reason today, will not let me cut and paste something from an e-mail into a Word document, meaning I have to retype a wall of text about Medicare Set Aside Trusts.

8. Trying to eat lunch and read a goddamn book while all the lawyers are trying to out-talk one another over the TV which is on Fox News.

9. The other baby lawyer who has no concept of prioritization.

10. The realization that the solution to all Candy Crush problems is a color bomb + striped candy.

. . . you get sprung?

So, even though it’s REALLY May, the Sartorial Medley crew hasn’t come up with a theme for May yet, so I’m going to pretend it’s still April. The theme was IS “spring has sprung.” I had to go to a baby shower on Saturday, which fortunately just consisted of the expecting mother exhorting us to drink more champagne because she can’t and opening a few presents. We skipped all the stupid “Ruining Candy for Everyone” and “You’ll Be Pregnant Next Even Though You Would Rather Drink Drano” games. Being that I had a new-ish dress from ASOS Curve in an almost-blue shade (she’s having a boy), I decided it was a good occasion to wear it. Also, my new-ish Crocs match.

Unfortunately, the weather in this godforsaken Bible-thumping Hell on Earth rarely cooperates for photo ops. The light in our apartment varies between those horrible energy-efficient bulbs, dark, and mostly dark, so outside really is better for pictures…except that it’s windy as fuck. Therefore, please to be ignoring my hair in the pictures. I spent most of them trying to keep it out of my eyes while simultaneously hoping my skirt didn’t blow up.

Also, this is why I will never be a successful fashion blogger. I am just not photogenic. My expression varies between Squinty Derp, Smug Derp, and Cheesy Derp.


...not quite what I was looking for.  Surely it will get better.

…not quite what I was looking for. Surely it will get better.

Let’s try again! Maybe a closer shot?

Smug. Or stoned.  Neither of which are accurate.

Smug. Or stoned. Neither of which are accurate.

Surely we’ll get a good image sometime, right?

Maybe if my hair wasn't being flung into my eyes at 40 mph.

Maybe if my hair wasn’t being flung into my eyes at 40 mph.


You can see (almost) that my eyeliner matches my dress...

You can see (almost) that my eyeliner matches my dress…

Keeping your eyes OPEN would be a plus, dork.

Wind makes me look like my head is a ratty dust mop.

Wind makes me look like my head is a ratty dust mop.

Last try.

At least the outfit shows.

At least the outfit shows.

Details of what I’m wearing:

Dress: ASOS Curve Flamingo Print Skater Dress
Shoes: Crocs Adrina in Aqua.
Necklace: Lane Bryant, forever ago.

Song of the Day: Ani DiFranco, “Evolve”
Today’s Time Waster: Game of Thrones, in song.
What I’m Craving: Ice cream. It was 96 here today. IT’S TOO EARLY FOR THAT SHIT.

Brown paper packages tied up with strings…

…oh whoops, that’s supposed to be a fitting song lyric for FMM, but it also sort of sounds like a “plain brown wrapper.”

At some point in the near future, I do plan to write about my recent insomnia treatment, because it’s interesting and also there are cat pictures involved. However, it’s been busy as fuck at work, which is what tends to happen when your boss ignores little reminders on the docket about things like trial exhibits being due in two fucking cases this week. I worked yesterday. I worked 11 hours today, and could have stayed longer but I was HONGRY.

Anyway. I am going to do Friend Makin’ Monday, simply because it’s a good way to at least update a little.

If you have a blog, I would like to invite you to answer the questions as well. Leave me a comment here, so I know you are playing. Then you can also leave a comment over at Losing Weight and Having Fun, so other folks can check out your answers as well. It is a fun way to connect to other bloggers.

1. Favorite color? (be specific… what shade of blue/green/red etc)

I tend to like all the super-saturated jewel tones, but blood red is my favorite. Like this color:

If I could find lipstick this color, I would die happy.

If I could find lipstick this color, I would die happy.

2. Favorite piece of clothing you own?

Right now? This shirt:

Casual Friday FTW.

Casual Friday FTW.

I’m also rather fond of my striped Kiyonna Convertible Skirt.

3. Favorite smartphone app?

Angry Birds.

4. Favorite city?

Of the places I’ve been, Seattle, followed by Austin.

5. Favorite strength training exercise?

In terms of something that will flat kick your ass, that one where you put one of those big exercise balls between you and the wall, and sort of use it to roll downward, like you’re going to sit down but you stop at about the point where you’re not sure you can get back up, much less get back up 15 more times. You’re basically doing lunges, but it also works your core.

6. Favorite vegetable?

Mushrooms. If fungi don’t count, potatoes. If those don’t count, summer squash.

7. Favorite hair product? (shampoo, styling, conditioner etc)

Lush Ultimate Shine Solid Shampoo and Biosilk shine serum.

8. Favorite animal?

Cats. But I also like penguins, sloths, and elephants.

9. Favorite superhero?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

10. Favorite recipe? (share the details with us)

My chicken and dumplings kick ass. I don’t have any pictures, but they’re not photogenic anyway. It’s a delicious bowl of beige.

That’s all I have tonight. I can’t even type anymore. I spent most of the afternoon/evening with a roll of redacting tape and a stack of medical records, and my fingers hurt because you really have to smash that shit on there to make sure it sticks to the paper and won’t end up wound around the document feeder in the copier. (It’s like post-it adhesive.)

Song of the Day: Gorillaz – “Clint Eastwood”
Today’s Time Waster: Preparing exhibits for a fucking case that’s probably going to settle at the last goddamn minute after I work a bunch of 60 hour weeks.
What I’m Craving: My office manager to get with the program and buy Adobe Acrobat Pro so I can redact on the computer instead of ending up with redacting tape spooge all over my fingers.

She is smiling alone.

I guess it’s been a while. Things have been kind of crazy. My 83-year-old gramma was not doing well, so I went to Michigan to visit her. Of course, the phone call from my mom sounded like it was the end, but by the time I got there, she was getting back in fighting form. She’s still not doing great, but she’s back to being an asshole to everyone, which for her means she’s feeling better. She’s driving my mom and my aunt nuts, and she’s being bitchy. The thing is, she has never been like that to me, ever. Gramma’s was my safe house. Some of my best childhood memories are from staying with her and my grampa. She let me do whatever I wanted, like stay up all night to watch Charles & Diana get married and eat ice cream for breakfast.

Seeing her was hard. Since she lives so far away, it’s been tough for me to get the time off work to go visit, and when I was unemployed, I didn’t really have the money. I knew she wasn’t well, but the weirdest thing was seeing her with her natural gray hair. Since I’ve been alive, her hair has always been a platinum blonde football helmet.

Anyway, the day I got on the plane, I had another stupid epidural steroid injection, which sadly, hasn’t helped. The doctor said Plan B is not necessarily surgery…there’s a procedure they can try where they basically implant little electrical contacts and wires and connect them to the nerves, and then implant a little device that you can control with a remote. The current is suppose to alleviate the pain. We’ll see. I’m really tired of dealing with this shit. The doctor did, of course, mention weight loss, but was cool about it…he acknowledged it would be hard to work out if you were in constant pain. I’ve been trying to eat a little better, but stress is a hungry, hungry hippo. She especially enjoys Russell Stover Coconut Cream Eggs and McDonald’s french fries, but occasionally wants something else, like nachos.

Oh and also, work got fucked up last week…I had gotten my friend a job there, and they fired her for what appears to be no reason. I think the decision may have been financially based, which worries me. I was also worried about my own job security, because I’ve had enough drama, and while by all reports everyone wants me around, still. The office manager assured me that no, no, everything’s fine, in fact you’re getting a raise….

Still do not trust them. I got a bonus right before I got shitcanned last February. Guess I’ll just wait and see what happens, but keep my eye open for anything that looks interesting. That’s about all I can do, really.

Enough rambling. Let’s move on:

It is time again for Friend Makin’ Monday. If you have a blog, I would like to invite you to answer the questions as well. Leave me a comment here, so I know you are playing. Then you can also leave a comment over at Losing Weight and Having Fun, so other folks can check out your answers as well. It is a fun way to connect to other bloggers.

1. Have you ever had a reoccurring dream? What was it?

I have a couple, and they’re both nightmares. In one, I am competing in an obstacle course, and the rules are much like those in the book “The Long Walk” by Stephen King (SPOILER ALERT)…if you drop out, you die. When I have this one, I’m usually under a LOT of stress, and the obstacle course gets more horrible night after night. Like the first night it might be swimming across a pool, by night #3 it’s swimming across a pool full of sharks. The second one is about school…I think high school. I’m in this giant, rambling school building comprised of almost every school building I’ve ever been in (since I competed in speech tournaments in high school adn college, this is a LOT of school buildings)–everything from crumbling, gothic looking brick to the 70’s and 80’s super-streamlined office-cubicle like hallways. I can’t remember my locker combination, I can’t find any of my classrooms, and when I do find them, it’s for a class I have forgotten to attend all semester.

2. What was the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten?

Hm. I’ve eaten octopus and squid, many kinds of seafood in a shell, eel, and alligator. I don’t know. I’ve pretty much sampled everything on a giant Chinese buffet. Does that count? (Hey, I’m picky.)

3. Can you comfortably eat in a restaurant by yourself? Go to movie?

Both. I don’t mind eating out alone as long as I have a book. Sometimes it’s very relaxing. I actually just did this last week. I was planning to meet some friends for some local activity, but they couldn’t meet till like 6:30 and I get off work at 5. So I went and had some delicious seafood and a $5 hurricane.

4. What would you leave in your will for the person you care about the most?

I’m sure I’ll be destitute and alone, so there will be nothing to leave.

5. Would you rather…Go without television or fast food for the rest of your life?

TV (I mean, I can still watch movies, right?). Sometimes my hormones get hungry for french fries, and that shit stinks up the house. Also, what the hell else are you supposed to eat after a night out besides Taco Bell?

6. What was the best thing that happened to you this past week?

One of my BFF’s turned 50, and we went out to celebrate. She showed up trashed. Someone made the mistake of giving her a wand with a star and streamers, and she bonked everyone on the head with it all night. Even though the bar DJ was mostly lame (if you follow me on Twitter, I posted a few updates), the night out was fun.

7. List the food items you take at a salad bar.

Are we talking a Golden Corral salad bar, or just a puny old-school steakhouse one? Spinach (if available, or if not romaine lettuce), hard-boiled eggs, mushrooms, carrots, cheese, bacon bits, ranch dressing, and CROUTONS. Lots and lots of croutons.

8. If you were in the “Miss America” talent competition, what would your talent be? (Note: both guys & gals have to answer this question)

I would sing something totally cheesy like “Memory” from Cats. (Shit. I just realized I mentioned this song in my last post. Well, fuck it. I would say “Defying Gravity” but I can’t hit that note anymore. Maybe “You’ll Never Walk Alone” from Carousel, or “Goodnight My Someone” from The Music Man.)

9. What do you keep in the trunk of your car?

Oh god. There’s actually not much in mine right now except for the plastic protector things you’re supposed to use on the convertible if you leave the top down. But I don’t ever leave it down when it’s parked, so I’m debating tossing those fuckers. Otherwise, there are a few random things…maybe a broken umbrella, a stuffed triceratops, and a couple mostly empty bottles of car products (like transmission fluid and antifreeze). Fortunately, I just cleaned it out a few months ago. Before that, don’t even ask. I’ve had my car for 12 years. Things end up there.

10. How many rings before you answer the phone?

Not very many. If I plan to answer, it’s usually by the second ring (unless it’s buried in my purse and I don’t hear it). If I don’t, I just send it to voicemail. At work, if I get stuck with phone duty, I answer after the first ring. The phone ringing annoys the living FUCK out of me. I used to work in an office where I was supposed to be “backup” on phones, but the chick whose job it was didn’t answer till like the 3rd ring, which drove me insane. I ended up answering it a lot because it interrupted my work just as much to glare at her to answer the phone than it did to just answer it. Plus, at that job, it was for me a lot of the time, anyway, because my boss was never there and it was family law and those clients are the worst about calling all day. This is where I learned never, ever to answer the phone after 5 on a Friday, because it was never anything you could fix but they wanted to TALK about it for an hour.

Song of the Day: “A Beautiful Mess” – Jason Mraz
Today’s Time Waster: Classic album covers in Google street view.
What I’m Craving: Something fried.

I died a hundred times

So here it is again – the loneliest hour.  The hour where you fear you will not see the dawn, but the hour that you know when you do see it with its fingers plucking off your blankets one by one, and its nails scratching at your tired eyes and its light creeping through the cracks in the curtain, where “the sun will come out tomorrow” is a threat from a song that should be a promise, when the real song in your head is the one from that musical about felines.  The one song in the production that is sad.  The one song that represents someone’s one chance at living the life she wants to lead.   The one who yearns to stay up until she rises with the sun.

I am still waiting for daylight that I don’t dread.  Waiting to not be the most alive when everyone else is the most asleep, wanting to believe that sleep really does have the answers, wanting to believe that the long, slow, slide into a nervous breakdown can be stopped before you go flying off the end headfirst and your face hits the mulch chips and there are splinters, so many splinters, and they will leave scars.  

The song running through my head tonight is not the hopeful notes of someone who believes that tomorrow will be better.  Speaking of which, Hollywood, QUIT RUINING MY CHILDHOOD WITH YOUR BAD REMAKES.  Quevenzhane Wallace?  She’s cute.  That’s plausible.  But Cameron Diaz? NO NO NO GOD NO MAKE. IT. STOP.  It’s like the difference between Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka and Johnny Depp.  What makes the neurosis scary is not just flat out crazy or someone playacting at meanness.  It’s the glimpses of not-crazy, the glimpses that life could have been different, that the potential for something was there and that’s what is trying to be killed with isolation or alcohol: the good things, not the bad ones.  The bad ones are easier to believe.  The bad thoughts are the ones that leave the deepest scars.  The people that have fucked up my head the most are the ones that I thought would be the most helpful, starting with my dad and ending…well, I don’t know.  I feel so old and so dead but some of my family members, even the ones with the worst habits, have lived a very, very long time.  I could die tomorrow, I could die in a year, or ten or fifty, and I sometimes wonder if this uncertainty about everything is what fuels my darkest thoughts.  I feel like my brain almost would rather NOT know the future, it would rather decide its own future. Or lack of one.  The song in my head tonight is the alternate lyrics of the sad song in a mostly happy, disjointed, musical:

Memory, turn your face to the moonlight
Let your memory lead you
Open up, enter in
If you find there the meaning of what happiness is
Then a new life will begin

Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

*   *  *

Sunlight, through the trees in summer
Endless masquerading
Like a flower as the dawn is breaking
The memory is fading

I am tired of these thoughts, these dark and putrid pockets in my head that are timed to open just as they really need to be closing.  

I remember singing this song in voice lessons in high school, and my voice teacher asking me why I identified with the lyrics – “I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then” – when I wasn’t even 18.  And I don’t remember if I told her why.  But I have always had the dark side, the side that looks back at the pictures in junior high when maybe I really wasn’t nearly as fat as I thought I was, maybe I could have been thinner, prettier, more confident, more popular, more whatever.  And even at 16, I remember thinking it was too late for me to be beautiful.

Maybe I’m just weird because I remember the bad things in my life so much more than the good.  I can relive every awkward or painful moment, every uncomfortable silence, every time the perfect comeback entered my head after the tears had started to fall, every kiss from every man that never really meant it, not the way I did, every harsh word about my hair or my voice or my face or my body or my mind or my talent or my freckles.  And those are the memories on repeat tonight and every night, the ones that start to creep in around the time I drive home from the place where I have to put on my normal face and that have gathered up a full head of steam by the time I brush my teeth or try to find a book to read.

I don’t know how to talk anymore.

I don’t know how to really connect anymore.  I am spending so much energy trying to hold the core together that I can’t pay attention to the little pieces that are flying off in the wind, the happy things that blow away one at a time.  I feel like what was once a girl with a little hope for a sunrise is now pretty sure that not only will the sun be hidden behind a cloud forever, that she can scream and scream and scream but everyone stopped listening a long time ago because the scream was one long, lonely cry of wolf.

People have tried to save me, but the wolf blocks the path.  Sometimes she sleeps, and people can get closer.   But then she wakes up in a bundle of snarling teeth and flying fur and no matter how much anyone wants to save the girl, they have to save themselves first.  Put their masks on before assisting the passenger who needs it.

Please let the magic lamp work.  Please reset my clock so I don’t have to go find some night job or move across the world (and I wonder, would that work?  Moving somewhere halfway around the planet so my clock is on the right schedule?).

Please.  The cabin is losing pressure and there’s not much air left.  The wolf has guarded her prey for a long time and fed on the scraps the people fed her in an attempt to distract her from her quarry, but scraps are not enough anymore.

Song of the Day:   “Mad World” – Tears for Fears

Today’s Time Waster:   Melodramatic bursts of self-awareness.

What I’m Craving:  Just for a little while, to be something that the world considers normal, so that being weird can be a choice rather than an absolute.

Talk of Circadian Rhythms…

I’m kind of sorry I used lyrics from this song already for a title, because I don’t like repeats (most of my titles are song lyrics. Not all. But most. If you’re bored, try to identify them without Googling. Of course you’re bored, you’re reading this!).
So, as many of my past entries have made abundantly clear, I have persistent insomnia. Not just a little, a lot. I’ve been this way since I was a wee little tot (a comment in my baby book reads “Kelly always wants to play when we’re ready to go to bed”), and I’ve never shaken it. I am a vampire bat, a night owl, whatever.  The last few years, though, it’s gotten progressively worse. I’ve tried just about all the prescription and non-prescription sleep aids available (I almost needed more lines to write them down on the questionnaire from the sleep specialist, and I was writing SMALL). I have tried bed being ONLY FOR TEH SLEEPING (no reading blah blah blah GOD get your minds out of the gutter), I’ve tried hot tea (gag), hot milk (ok, not really, the thought of drinking milk at all and especially warm makes me throw up in my mouth a little), beer, wine, hard liquor, weed, painkillers, benzodiazepines, decongestants, antihistamines, old-school antidepressants, natural remedies, dark, light, pets, no pets, it doesn’t fucking matter. All that changes is (a) what room of the house I stay awake in and (b) level of morning hangover.

I had a sleep study. The only good thing about it was that it was scheduled the week we had all the stupid carpet fans and it was a night of quiet. So at least I didn’t need noise-canceling headphones to hear myself think too much. However, these sleep study people needed to get their shit together. Apparently, this is a $10K test.  Their deal with the insurance company means they write off about $8K. But they expect you to pay…UP FRONT…the remaining $2K because who has met their deductible by the beginning of February? Right. They break this news to me about 8 hours before I’m supposed to show up. I can’t remember if I actually said on the phone out loud “what do you expect me to do, just shit 2 grand?” I might have. Anyway, I had to call my dad and ask for help, which I fucking hate doing and which I especially hate doing when I really need it right then. Because no matter how much he says he is willing to help out with the medical bills, you can still hear the sphincter puckering when you say “hey I need money right now.” (My dad has plenty of money, because he was a stingy bastard while I was growing up. I think he’s only spending it now because he doesn’t want my stepmother to get any. They hate each other but he won’t get divorced because then he would have to pay her a lot. I guess the pre-nup vested or maybe I missed the part about he has to pay if it’s his idea. I mean, he left it sitting out in the open on his desk, of course I fucking read it. I was 19 at the time but I’d still do the same thing. I didn’t look for it, it was really just stuck in this pencil holder/light thingy on his desk with “PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT” in big letters at the top. But I digress.)

So I report to the sleep center at 8:15 p.m. One of the pieces of paper from them said 8:00 p.m. check in, one said 8:30, so I just showed up in the middle. In case anyone ever has to do this, yes, you can bring your own pillows and pajamas and whatever you want, really. (Well, maybe not a bong. I didn’t ask.)  I had to have it done at a hospital, because my insurance requires that an actual doctor be present and not just a tech. Ok, I don’t die in my sleep every night, so why the shit do I need a doctor on site? Ugh. The room was pretty tiny. It had cinderblock walls painted this gross pastel yellow, ugly non-matching sheets, flat-ass pillows (I was glad I brought a couple of mine), an ancient TV which may have really been a surveillance camera, and a nightstand mostly taken up by a CPAP machine and some other random medical equipment. The bed was ok, I guess, and they did manage to find at least one fluffier pillow. They adjusted the temperature to your liking, there was a bathroom outside the door, and it was super-dark with the lights out.

After I checked in, the tech explained what they would be doing, and then started hooking me up to about 80000 wires. There is one big wire coming out of your head, which they glue on there with some Vaseline-type goop that takes a LONG TIME to wash out. Then he starts with some peel-and-stick electrodes. I told him that I’m a little sensitive to adhesives (by which I mean welts and itching and the worst scar from having my gallbladder removed came from a bandaid covering one of the incisions), and asked if these were going to irritate my skin. My concern stemmed largely from the fact that he was gluing this shit to my FACE. He swore that no one ever had a bad reaction. I noticed irritation the next morning, but it wasn’t that bad. The oxygen sensor under my nose wouldn’t stay put. The wires kind of wrap around your head, and I was pretty sure it was going to be like being garroted, because they attach them to this power strip thing that they drape over the headboard. They also attach wires to your legs and arms and put some straps on either side of your boobs. I think I need a bra made out of those. After all this stuff is hooked all over you, they’re like, “Okay, now just go to sleep!”


I am here for insomnia and I am not in my own bed and there’s no kitty and I am seriously going to choke on these motherfucking wires.

It took me 158 minutes to fall asleep from the time they turned out the lights (which was around 10 p.m.). There is deliberately no clock, but I had my Kindle and my iPod and my phone. 158 minutes = almost 3 hours…and this is after I took an Ambien. Then apparently they said I quit breathing a few times and had almost no deep sleep and my oxygen saturation was low. I’m not entirely sure it’s as low as they proclaim, because those sensors were fucked up and not attached right. So I go into the clinic with the nurse practitioner to go over the results. I deliberately made an EARLY appointment. I ended up being a few minutes late (like 5) because I forgot that the building was past the second stoplight and drove around a few times looking for it. Then I’m sitting there. WAITING. And I mention to the receptionist that I said I’d make this appointment but only if I didn’t have to wait very long because I’ve missed enough work already.  I’m sure the nurse practitioner was mad about having to actually start her job on time. Then she starts with this “you need a CPAP (oxygen) mask” routine, and I start crying. First of all, there is not one thing attractive about the mask. It looks like Darth Vader has middle school orthodontic headgear. Second, I have to have everything JUST SO to even consider sleeping, which includes the pillows being in a certain order and the sheets tucked a certain way and no socks and almost no light and my favorite blanket, and even then it takes me hours to sleep, and she wants me to add some suffocating-looking robot mask to this? I explained to her that the reason I even HAD the study done in the first place was because I CANNOT GO TO FUCKING SLEEP AND FOUR HOURS ISN’T CUTTING IT ANYMORE.

Then they finally decide to refer me to an actual doctor.

The actual doctor was wonderful. He read (and even highlighted) the questionnaire I filled out (which was at least the third such document). He asked how long the problem had been going on (my whole life) and which one of my parents was the night owl (my dad, but the real one is my gramma – my mom’s mother – I loved going to visit her, she let me stay up all night watching Benny Hill and Charles and Diana and eating junk food). He said that what I have is a circadian rhythm disorder, and that unless I want to get a graveyard-shift job, I had to follow some steps.  Step One: Cut a hole in a box…kidding. He has prescribed a regimen that involves melatonin (which he says people mostly are doing it wrong…you need to take it 2 hours before bedtime, or you are fucking up your clock). I am supposed to take it at 8:30 pm (that’s SO EARLY), then no more bright lights until I go to bed.  Bright lights include the TV, my Kindle, the computer, overhead lights, etc. If I can’t dim the lights, I have to wear sunglasses at night. (So I can, so I can keep track of visions in my mind….ok fine he didn’t sing the song.) Then, when I get up, I either have to go outside for 30 minutes or use a special sun-light for 30 minutes. Regular overhead lights aren’t adequate. Allegedly, if I do this for a few months (!!!), I will be able to reset my internal clock.

I really hope he’s right. I mean, I’m ok with midnight to 6:45. I’m just not functioning well with 2:45 to 6:45. My happy light and melatonin and Kindle Paperwhite arrive tomorrow. So fingers crossed that this is the last midnight-not-a-sound-from-the-pavement entry for a while.

PS – Maybe I don’t really need the Kindle Paperwhite but I like new gadgets.

PPS – Maybe I also ordered some shoes. I’m just REPLACING the ones that the broken pipe ruined. PINKY SWEARS.

PPPS – Amazon is pissing me off lately, or maybe it’s UPS, but my two-day-shipped replacement boots were supposed to be here last Wednesday and finally arrived today. Weather delays my ass.

Song of the Day: “Bravado” – Lorde
Today’s Time Waster: Need to post this on the fridge or something.
What I’m Craving: Marshmallow Peeps. I have only eaten ONE package of green bunnies. I believe this shows remarkable self control and also does not mention the micro Reese’s cups. Feelings are hungry. Insomnia is hungry. Depression wants to live at Golden Corral with its mouth under the chocolate fountain.

I’m Sure He’d Kick an Ass or Two (FMM)

I was actually productive on Saturday because of the threat of Snowpocalypse (which turned out to be valid).  I did my laundry and went to the grocery store along with everyone else in a 20 mile radius.

This morning, I was debating whether or not to risk driving to go to work. I turned on the shower, and ONCE AGAIN, the cold-water tap wasn’t working.  This particular symptom preceded the epic flooding when the pipe burst a month ago.  There is still a gaping hole in the wall where the pipe was repaired, which I have had blocked with a rubbermaid tote lid and a hamper so that Zooey quits thinking it’s the entrance to Narnia.  I removed the tupper-lid and spent 10-15 minutes with the hairdryer on high thawing out the pipe, and just used an empty hamper with plenty of ventilation holes to block the opening in the wall.  I’ve also had the faucets dripping.  I’m just hoping our upstairs neighbors’ pipes don’t freeze.

So today, since I decided I was not going to risk life and limb going to work when all the courthouses were closed and the roads suck, I was surfing Amazon Instant Video.  I watched a few episodes from Glee Season 4, and then turned on a Cirque du Soleil movie and um, well, must have not been that interesting because I woke up for the closing credits.

Anyway, that leads us into this week’s Friend Makin’ Monday, hosted by Sarah, which is movies. If you’re playing, link up in my comments and Sarah’s; if you’re not playing, leave me a comment anyway because I like them.

On to the questions!

1. What is your all-time favorite movie?

Asking me to pick one favorite anything is just dumb. I am not capable of this. However, top 10, and why:

Shadowlands – I have seen this movie at least 20 times and it makes me fucking bawl every time. Anthony Hopkins at his best. I saw this in the theater by accident – my friends and I were late, or the other movie was sold out, and we just went to this one. So many Kleenex.

The Shawshank Redemption – The only movie ever that’s as good as the book. The original is Stephen King’s novella “Rita Hayworth & Shawshank Redemption,” which is part of a four-novella compilation called Different Seasons. Three of the four have been made into films. Some changes were made to the story when it was made into a movie, but they actually bring out things that, when I read the story (granted I was probably 13 or 14), I just didn’t get. This bombed in the theater but has developed a following on video.

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut – Brilliant. And just try to watch it without singing “What Would Brian Boitano Do?” the whole next day (well, that or “Uncle Fucka”). This pokes fun at almost every musical ever, including but not limited to “Oklahoma,” “The Little Mermaid,” and “Les Miserables.” Satire with a point.

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory – Okay fine I first developed a fondness for this movie when I watched it stoned out of my mind. But I like it sober, too. Gene Wilder’s slightly creepy performance makes this movie. The remake with Johnny Depp was probably truer to the original book, but Gene Wilder nailed the character because he was a better balance of loveable and creepy.

Music & Lyrics – This is just charming. Also features very catchy 80’s type songs.

Clerks II – Sick and wrong but I almost peed myself laughing.

History of the World, Part I – This was high on the high-school afternoon viewing list. “Did you bullshit last week? Did you TRY to bullshit last week?”

Erin Brockovich – Every paralegal’s dream come true.

Fahrenheit 9/11 – A critical look at the 9/11 attacks and their aftermath.

The Princess Bride – A classic. Another movie I have watched a zillion times and can pretty much recite. “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

2. Who is your favorite actor and actress?

Actress: probably Robin Wright Penn. She disappears into roles the way Meryl Streep does, but hasn’t received as much critical recognition. You almost don’t realize it’s the same person. Actor: Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Same deal. RIP.

3. What was the first movie you ever saw at the cinema?

I think Cinderella, but it could have been Superman. I do remember my parents not taking me to Star Wars because I didn’t pick up my toys. I also remember Sleeping Beauty scaring the crap out of me, but I think that one was later.

4. Did you watch the Oscars last night?

Mostly. Lando was switching off with a basketball game for part of it, and I was kind of playing Facebook games and listening. I started paying more attention about halfway through.

5. How many of the Best Picture nominations did you watch and which did you enjoy the most?

None. I didn’t watch that many movies this last year. I am hoping the nominees show up on Netflix soon, as I do want to see several of them. The theater closest to us also just lowered their prices, so we might see more movies in the theater. It’s a lot easier on the wallet to sneak in some candy and pay $8 for 2 people for a matinee.

6. What did you think of Ellen hosting The Oscars?

I like her as a host, but the Oscars seemed a little too low-key this year. They need more musical numbers.

7. If you had the chance to play a part in any movie, what would it be?

Well, when I was 7, the answer would have been the lead in “Annie.” Now, I don’t really care what movie, unless I get to be the villain and/or completely nuts and/or sing a lot.

8. Is there a movie you have watched that was so bad that you have either walked out of the cinema or turned it off?

I don’t remember ever walking out of a movie, but I fell asleep during Captain Ron. I demanded a channel change on one of the Jackass movies when they were giving themselves paper cuts. Finally, I almost walked out of Dumb and Dumber when they started squirting ketchup and mustard in their mouths. I almost barfed. The thought of it now makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

9. What do you think of 3D and IMAX movies? Are they worth the extra money?

Sometimes 3D is fun, but I haven’t seen any movies where it’s really NECESSARY since Captain Eo at Disney World when I was 8. I think it’s kind of a gimmick and it sorta gives me a headache. IMAX is different – we have the IMAX dome at the local science museum, and that is worth it. I saw a Cirque du Soleil one, and the Everest one. The latter did make me kind of motion sick, but it was good. What really gets to me are a lot of the 3D effects in most new video games. Some of those make me nauseous.

10. What was the last movie you saw at the cinema?

Catching Fire (Hunger Games, Part 2). I’m really looking forward to Divergent. I just hope they don’t fuck it up. The casting looks pretty decent, so I’m hopeful.

Song of the Day: “Out of the Cold” – Amos Lee
Today’s Time Waster: Disney princesses protest!
What I’m Craving: Some more mini Reese’s cups, but I ate them yesterday.

I’m just like financial statements – I show up quarterly.

So I was leaving a comment for Hailey, and then I realized that I should probably update more often than quarterly, but seriously, it’s all been so awful and I’m tired of hearing myself talk about it. To sum up: Christmas = Xanax; I should not be allowed outside after three months of pain management for my back because I will fall down and undo all of it and it will actually hurt worse than it did four months ago; one should never trust little baby maintenance dudes about what is wrong with one’s plumbing because they will lie and then your pipe will freeze and burst and flood your apartment and part of the neighbors and the damage will be JUST ENOUGH to cover the deductible on your renter’s insurance and also they give you FIVE — no, SIX — industrial carpet fans in an 800 square foot apartment and it’s like living in a goddamn jet engine for a week. /facepalm

That about sums it up.

Seriously though. Inches of water; cat missing; clothes on the floor because I needed to do laundry and/or I’m just messy, at least 15 loads of laundry; bitchy white trash 5th apartment manager in 4 months acting like I shouldn’t be upset when my house is under three inches of water and I can’t find one of the cats. I have rarely wanted to beat anyone’s ass more than I wanted to beat hers.

Anyway. Let’s move on to Friend Makin’ Monday, shall we? Since Kenlie has been busy, it’s being taken over by Sarah. The theme this week is “Randomly Getting to Know You.”

1. Introduce yourself in under 10 words.

Cranky, Cats, Cohabiting, Chocolate, Creative, Chips, Cheese, Contradictory, Crying, Crampy.

I would have added PMS to the list, but it didn’t start with a C and the alliteration was amusing me.

2. How did you find Friend Makin Mondays?

Through Hailey, I think.

3. Have you ever met any of your blog readers?

You mean other than my friends that I made/make read it? I did meet Lando (my current live-in partner, who doesn’t ever update his blog anymore and therefore I am not linking), back in the day when we were both blogging at Diaryland. I don’t think I’ve actually met anyone else in person, but I am FB/Twitter friends with several readers, and I’ve exchanged mix CD’s with a lot of them.

4. How many states have you visited?

I think 36, if you count the airport on a layover (which is really only two states: Colorado & Utah). I say it counts, especially since the Denver airport is directly responsible for introducing me to the wonders of Crocs, which you can now pry off my cold dead feet.

You disbelieve?

Yes, those are Jack Daniels pajama pants.

Yes, those are Jack Daniels pajama pants.

5. What did you have for lunch yesterday?

Cool Ranch Doritos and Chocolate Chip Little Debbies. I’m not even kidding. See the 11th word on #1, above.

6. How many different places have you lived in?

I think…6 cities (Flint, MI; Houston, TX; Pittsburgh, PA; Norman, OK; Naperville, IL; Oklahoma City, OK), 5 states (Michigan, Texas, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Illinois). I’m boring.

7. What’s your favorite color?

“She feels like kicking out all the windows/and setting fire to this life/she would paint everything about her/with colors bold and bright…” ~Dave Matthews

But seriously, if I have to pick…red. Followed very closely by bright turquoise.

8. Do you have any pets?

Three cats: Miles, Zooey, and Amelia. They’re being difficult right now and all I’m getting is a curled-up ball of cat, but here are some pictures from the last few months that you probably haven’t seen unless we’re friends on Facebook:

They like to snuggle.

They like to snuggle.

She does not like to snuggle with them and she's not entirely sure about snuggling with us.

She does not like to snuggle with them and she’s not entirely sure about snuggling with us.

9. What would your ideal job be?

Powerball winner/philanthropist. Cat-hugger. Broadway star. Advice columnist. Musician. Writer.

10. Do you have any tattoos?

Not yet…but I might get one for my 40th birthday. I have a whole Pinterest board called “Midlife Crisis.”

That is all. Carry on.

Song of the Day: “Poison” – Bell Biv Devoe
Today’s Time Waster: Pudding Pop. I wish they would bring back real pudding pops.
What I’m Craving: A raise. So we can live somewhere else and I can buy a new car.

Thunder wishes it could be the snow

This poem was on a poster on the wall in my 11th grade English classroom:

I am like shattered glass
Cutting those who touch me
I have been broken
I am hard and sharp
People can see through me.
They know I can hurt them
I am never confronted
I am always walked around.
– Lori Gauntlet

It resonated with me then, although I wasn’t quite sure why. Like many things from my youth, I now realize why.

I have always felt broken.

And I have always felt avoided and alone.

I hate it. I hate feeling like some stupid fucking poem, I hate being this melodramatic and this banal, I hate that I don’t have the confidence to do what I want to do, I hate that other people’s opinions even matter to me ever, but they do.

My parents fought a lot. Our house was always tense. When something good was happening, usually my dad would try to ruin it and my mom would finish the job by reacting to him. It didn’t matter what I did, it was not enough, it was never enough. I made myself physically ill because of the stress. I bottled things up inside because letting them out was never allowed. When they inevitably did come to the surface, the results were not pretty. They usually resulted in me screaming at one parent or both parents and then slamming a few doors.

I still do this. At work, I don’t slam doors, but I cry. I cry in the bathroom, I go for a walk and cry. At home I just go slam a door and cry.

I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t even know why I cry at this point, it’s just my body’s response to anything. Frustration, mostly. I don’t want to yell and scream and be a bitch. I don’t want to have to scream to be heard.

I don’t even really want to talk anymore.

Or leave the house.

Or anything.

I buy clothes and makeup and none of these things make me feel pretty.

I don’t remember the last time I felt actually beautiful.

Or confident.

I don’t know what normal emotions are. I don’t know if the meds aren’t working. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about the dead end job I’m doing again and that I don’t want to be doing but I don’t know what else to do. There is an article about successful female business people in Marie Claire this month. I can’t make myself read it because I don’t take away tips, I take away jealousy, I take away knowing that I am as smart as any of these people but that I do not know how to make the step to where they are. I have surrounded myself, career-wise, with people who talk too goddamn much and don’t listen ever. I don’t know what to do with someone’s undivided attention. I don’t know how to act anymore, I don’t like talking to people anymore.

I feel like I am always being judged and found wanting.

I don’t feel joyful. I don’t really remember the last time I did.

Maybe college.


That was too long ago.

I can’t even write what I want to write because my brain is full of bad things. I feel like every opening paragraph sounds like a suicide note. I don’t really want to kill myself, but I’ve thought about trying. Just because then maybe someone would goddamn hear me screaming.

But I can’t do that. I can’t be that fucking stupid.

I think I make messes around me because I would feel bad making someone else clean them up. If things are a mess, I can’t kill myself because that’s not fair.

I am like shattered glass. I’m a broken glass that someone glued carefully back together so you almost can’t see the fracture lines. But they’re old fractures, and the cracks are coming back. They have been weakened by use.

I want to stop feeling this way.

I don’t even trust my own reactions anymore.


Song of the Day: “Kentucky Rain” – Elvis Presley
Today’s Time Waster: Attempting to communicate with other humans.
What I’m Craving: Frontal lobotomy. Or some cake. Whatever.