Let’s All Pretend We’re Normal.

Despite some silliness with the airport security people and their idiot rules about toiletries and lighters, the holidays with the fam were not so bad. I ate entirely too much and slept entirely too little, but overall, I’d have to mark this Christmas in the “non-suck” column.

(The airlines will now let you bring liquids, but only in 3-ounce containers. And only if they are in a Ziploc baggie. Well, I PUT my stuff in a fucking baggie. Mr. Security Moron informs me that (a) the baggie is not regulation size and (b) ONLY the liquids need to be in it, and things like eye drops and zit cream don’t count, because they are “medications.” He then proceeds to separate all of my toiletries into individual piles and re-Ziplocs the appropriate items. I then dump all the shit back in my bag. Also, I apparently left a lighter in my jeans pocket in my suitcase. Whoops. I volunteered to fish it out, since I knew what pocket and where the jeans were in my suitcase, but I was not allowed to TOUCH my suitcase until Mr. S.M. rooted through the whole thing and messed it all up in an effort to ensure that I didn’t set the plane on fire. He then, with a STRAIGHT FACE, informed me that I was free to keep the lighter, but that I would have to take it to my car. I told him to keep the 50 cent lighter which was almost empty anyway. Then, they have to send the bag back through the x-ray. WTF? They saw ONE LIGHTER and then DUG THROUGH THE WHOLE FUCKING THING. What did they expect to find? Seriously.)

My stepfather was actually being pleasant. I’m not sure if it’s because my mom threatened him with death, or what, but he silenced his Inner Asshat for a few days.

And my mom, my brother, and I spent some time looking through a bunch of old photos and laughing at each other’s bad hair and fashion choices. For your amusement, here are a few choice ones of me. Unfortunately, the pic of my brother sporting a mullet and really ugly glasses was a little blurry for scanning fun.

(Click on the thumbnail for full-size image.)

Me, age 5, riding my first bike. It was yellow and white and had a banana seat with these pink and purple flowers.

kellyfirstbike.JPG

Me, age about 7, looking like I’m plotting the destruction of the world.

 kellyplotting.JPG

Me, age 8, at Disney World. Note the pigtails with those horrible little ball ponytail holders that usually popped me in the head at least twice before the pigtails were fully formed. I think they quit making those stupid things for a while, but like Strawberry Shortcake, the Transformers, and gaucho pants, they are now being manufactured again so that my generation can torment their own offspring.

kellymomdisney.JPGMe, age 10, after I won the school spelling bee. Shut your pie-hole. Also a lovely example of why I should never layer my hair or have bangs, ever.

 uberdork.JPG

Me, age 12-ish, before I learned that blue eyeshadow and sweater vests were bad.

 omgblueeyeshadow.JPG

Me, age 14-ish. God, that perm was horrible. As was that icky-ass sweater.

 badpermaction.JPG

Me, sometime shortly post-college. Overalls. How cute.

overallsinnorman.JPG 

And one of my parents in the 70’s…I love this. I love everything about it, from their outfits to the afro behind them.

momdad70s.JPG

That’s all the photo album you guys get for today.  I have to actually work, and shit…it’s time for “Fun with PowerPoint!”, “How the Fuck Did You Graduate from Law School When You Cannot Construct a Simple Declarative Sentence?” and “Moving Paper from One Pile to Another in an Attempt to Look Busy.”

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14 comments on “Let’s All Pretend We’re Normal.

  1. Okay, I used an import tool to move all of my posts and comments from Blogger but I don’t see one specifically for Dland. Do you have an RSS feed? Go to your WP Dashboard and click on “Import”. Why isn’t Pete helping you with this?

  2. Yeah, you should ask Pete to help. He’s the wordpress pimp.

    Dude, I LOVE those pictures. You are a brave girl, because I don’t think I could post anything of me in my blue eyeshadow/flock-of-seagulls haircut phase. (PS. I’m glad you’re updating again.)

  3. I love that you’re updating again. Awesome photos – thanks for sharing! And I’m also glad you had a nice Christmas – mine wasn’t too bad either.

    I know I have to stop comparing myself with my friends…it’s hard to do though. Maybe it comes with maturity or self-esteem. Or maybe I should start taking the happy pills again. We’ll see.

    Seriously, PLEASE keep updating regularly. I missed you!

  4. LOVE that red hair! What most women would pay to have hair that colour … hey, how come I’M not on the blogroll? and why does that sound so obscene? A: probably because “bog” is sometimes used in English slang meaning “toilet”. While you’re having Pete fix things for you, get yourself a notification sign-up would ya?

  5. LOVE the pic of you with the blue eyeshadow. It took my older sister YEARS to give it up. She was in her 20s and I think it was only because they didn’t make it anymore!

    The pic of your parents was very cool.

  6. You should see the photo that was taken of me on picture day circa 1976 with a short quilted dress (0ver a red turtleneck), with my hair uncombed and my socks rolled down to mid-calf. SWEET! I looked like the Goodwill poster child, only worse. I still remember a teacher trying to take a comb to me while I waited in line. She couldn’t get the knots out, as I recall. That was back in the day when I had no idea my mom’s “bad moods” were related to a little thing called vodka. Yikes! But ya know what, when I was in junior high and mom finally let me wear make-up, I selected a combo with 3 shades of blue..plus orange-ish lipstick and blush. LOVELY. We didn’t know back then. We couldn’t. Damn Maybelline. It’s all their fault.

  7. Thanks for your comments on my dickfuck of an ex-boss. I’m feeling much better, but I still cannot believe he sent me that email! And if it hadn’t been so stupid daily treatments, he would’ve found something else to bitch about after the fact. I do think he’s lashing out at me because he’s pissed off at himself for letting one of the best assistants they ever had get away. And if they’re not careful, they’re gonna lose the other two who are so integral to the farm’s success — and if one or both of them leave, that office is going to be TRULY fucked. Let’s hope they’ve learned a lesson at the very least!

  8. Pingback: I Don’t Know What’s Wrong with These Kids Today (FMM) | Loopier by the Minute

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