More Nuts than a Squirrel with OCD.

Last week was nuts.  N-V-T-S nuts.  (Bonus points to those who can identify the source of this quotation.)


I had a hearing.  With Ms. Whiny.  And she was a complete fucking bitchy ho-bag the entire week.  I will grant you, most attorneys display version of bitchy, whiny, asshole-icious, or otherwise sucktacular behavior during trials.  However, she was about to grate on my last fucking nerve. 

Everything that went wrong (which, in the overall scheme of things, was minor, i.e., a couple of computer issues, a document which mysteriously disappeared, etc.) was my fault.  While I know that part of my job is to be the whipping boy and take the shit, there’s a line.  There is especially a line when she says:

  • “Now is a good time to ask questions.  Just ask KT or RH, because I’m in trial and I can’t answer them.”  (BITCH.  YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WANTS STUFF, AND IF YOU DON’T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT IT IS, IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.)

  • “You have to know every single piece of paper we produced.” (Which, actually, I did.  What I didn’t know was all of the shit that THEY produced.  Is knowing the basic contents and/or existence of 4000 pages not enough?  Evidently not.)

  • “Don’t ever do [insert just about anything I tried to accomplish] that way again.”

The problem with this case is that it has been through 3 paralegals, both on our end and on our client’s end.  The documents had 86 different number designations (both ours and the opposing party’s).  It had been continued twice, and had been going on for almost 3 years.  Probably the attorney I was working for is the one who knew the file the best.  She’s one of those self-sufficient types, mostly.  The problem is, she will tell you that she doesn’t need anything and doesn’t need help and then send you 87 e-mails at quarter to five which she somehow thinks can be accomplished in 15 minutes.  Furthermore, a lot of the stuff she wants me to “find,” she knows where the fuck to find it, but it’s like it’s some kind of test as to whether I can read her fucking mind.  Of course, I don’t have that power.


(Parenthetical time:  last night, Lando and I watched this comedy special on HBO…Louie someone…and he did a bit about how he told someone they would probably die in a plane crash.  They called him back, all neurotic, and told him to take it back and that he would feel really bad if they did die.  He was all “I would gladly trade your life for knowledge of my powers.”  HAHAHAHA.  I would gladly trade Ms. Whiny’s diva status for knowledge of MY powers.)


Plus.  She annoys me on a personal level.  She’s about the same age I am.  She spends half her time being a bossy know-it-all, and the other half playing dumb and semi-flirting with the boss mens.  She talks in a derisive way about her husband, who she JUST FUCKING MARRIED, and from what I can tell, he’s gotta be a saint to even put up with her ass. 


At least I don’t have another case with her until October.


In other office goings on, Mr. Meeting sometimes boggles my mind with his silly-ass statements.  He’s been talking on the phone lately about various health problems, including prostate and colon issues.  I suppose he was talking to his wife, or a female friend, or something, and they were discussing colonoscopies.  (Keep in mind, I only heard HIS side of the conversation.  At least he didn’t have the shit on speakerphone.)  I can only surmise that the other party said something to the effect that she was having female issues in addition to bowel issues, and he comes out with “is your colon linked to your ovaries?”


That is stupid on so many levels, I cannot even comment. 


Also speaking of the office, I was kinda hoping for a snow day this week.  Yeah, we got to leave early Friday, but I wanted TODAY off too.  Most of our attorneys deal with the financial services industry…and the banks, stock exchanges, etc. are all closed today.  So are the courthouses.  This would have been an ideal unscheduled holiday.  But noooo, we have to come in.  It took almost an hour and a half to get enough of the ice and crap off my car this morning to be able to see to drive.  That INCLUDES letting the heater run for about 35-40 minutes before I even fucking went and tried to scrape it.  I needed an ice PICK, not a plastic scraper thingy. 


It was amusing, though…I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon before it got too ugly, and they were very low on inventory.  The owner was there working, and he was like “I had no idea it would be like this.”   The store is right next to Blockbuster.  Apparently, people would come in and tell him that they’d been in line there for hours because of the impending “ICE DEATH 2007.”   


Duh, Mr. Store Owner.  What the fuck else is there to do but watch movies, play games, and get drunk when you can’t leave the house? 


Hopefully, the fucktards will plow the streets some more, though.  My low riding car DOES NOT LIKE the mound between wheel ruts.  It will be a wonder if, after this week, I still have a muffler.  Maybe I should get it customized and get some monster truck tires put on it.   With spinner wheel covers. 


12 comments on “More Nuts than a Squirrel with OCD.

  1. I only worked in a law office for one day in my entire temp career and they were all stunned because I didn’t know how to make coffee. As for the ice storm. I guess you got the worst of it. We had been these alarming news break-ins like every 7 minutes for 2 days and other than a little ice yesterday (okay it caused a 30 car pile up on the highway in front of my aunt’s house), the ice storm largely missed us. I was so relieved. Mainly because I was without 1) diet coke 2) DVDs. Rock on with the spinner rims, Loopy.

  2. Oh God, I feel the ice pain. I’ve been stuck indoors since Friday night, and I have to sneak into the garage after my sister and grandmother have gone to bed just for the 5 minute joy that is a cigarette.

    All of this, and the University decides not to cancel class tomorrow.

    But enough bitching for me. I’ve moved to WordPress!

  3. “N-V-T-S nuts” quote…I’m thinking Mel Brooks’ History of the World? That’s what came to mind at any rate…

    I feel your pain about your work situation. Eeeggads, those fuckers sound worse than the ones I worked for. It’s amazing to me how many stupid bastards manage to get the positions they do, ya know? Hang in there!

  4. Yah, I’m quietly job-hunting again … even though the market is DEAD in January and sucked for most of last year. Truthfully, I don’t *want* to change jobs again. I like most of what I am doing here even though it is not remotely “legal secretarial” which was what I was hired to do. I like the firm and the people … except for the “head” attorney on my “Team”. He is bipolar and hates me for no apparent reason that anybody can come up with. He criticises me to the office manager over the slightest little thing; claims that I am not doing my job well; and yet when pressed by either the manager or I, cannot come up with any valid specifics. Nor, despite us both asking him, will he sit down with me to give me any kind of training or coaching. I never know from one day to the next whether he’ll be Mr. Sunshine-n-Roses or Mr. I’m-Going-to-Make-Your-Job-Hell. Seriously, his mood swings have my last nerve on fire some days. Every week I wonder if he’ll fabricate some ludicrous excuse to get me fired. Our biggest client, V____ Wireless, really likes me. The environmental attorney on my Team (who is also quietly looking for another position) agrees with everything I am saying here (off the record, of course). The paralegal who gives me a large percentage of my work thinks I “rock” (especially since I am doing paralegal work with no official recognition). The office manager really likes me, but her hands are tied. Which I understand, having had two office manager positions myself in the past. My “Team” has had a 90% turnover in the past year (two assistants, three paralegals, one attorney). I have trained myself from scratch to learn this job. I took one paid day off to have surgery last week, and against medical advice, did not take off a week but instead came to work; the mean attorney did not thank me for coming in, but yelled at me for not being 100% on my game. Even though he didn’t actually need anything from me that day … and I ended up working overtime due to Team/client necessity. I have called-in sick precisely ONE day in seven months (after last week’s surgery and him elevating my blood-pressure to a dangerous level). Thanks for letting me vent here, too many of my (nice) colleagues know of my website so I couldn’t go into such specifics there!!

  5. I thought of you yesterday when I saw that OK was hit hard by the ice storm. I always wonder why businesses think they’re crap is more important than their employees’ lives and make us drive in snow and ice just to produce more paper.

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