I think that, instead of having interviews for jobs, they should just throw all the applicants’ names in a bowl and draw one. If that person declines, draw another, and just keep on drawing until someone agrees to work for your minimal salary and “excellent benefits package.” That way, I wouldn’t have to devote effort to using “action words” on my idiot resume, I wouldn’t have to pretend to be nice to more penises with bar numbers, and I wouldn’t have to put on hose and/or a suit jacket when it’s 95 fucking degrees outside.
Perhaps you have gleaned from the above paragraph that I am unemployed. This is because my boss quit, and instead of taking a job in another city at a pay cut, decided to take an offer locally for a pay raise. Apparently, if you leave a law firm, you’re not supposed to go to another one, because it’s a “competitor.” I guess you’re just supposed to take your law degree and go farm soybeans or something? Or take your legal experience and go work at the grocery store? When he informed the partners of his employment choice, they pretty much escorted him out of the building…and took back his firm-issued cell phone. On which he had set up his personal e-mail.
I emailed him after I was “informed” of his choice, and I said that I pretended I didn’t already know what his plans were. I also sent him my resume, because he wanted to see if he could get me a job at the new firm. I sent this from my personal e-mail to his personal e-mail.
An hour later, the managing partner informed me that “the partners” had decided to terminate me. When I asked why (because up to this point, I had been receiving nothing but positive feedback on my job performance), he said “You don’t need a reason.” Translation: we read your former boss’s personal e-mail, which we weren’t really supposed to do, and now we’re firing you because you didn’t tattle on him when you knew he changed his plans, and also, you expressed a desire to leave this hellhole.
The day they pulled this shit, the office manager was out sick. I called her that night, and she had no idea that any of it had gone down. She’s pissed off on my behalf, and she’s going to tell anyone who calls for a reference that I was laid off. She’s also sending me job listings, one of which resulted in today’s interview.
It was one of those where they pull in all of the attorneys and put you in front of the firing squad. They seem nice, but for a firm as big as it is, they don’t pay shit. Also, while they appear to value employee longevity, sometimes it sucks walking into an office full of crusty old bitches who look down their noses at you and resent new people. (I’m not saying everyone who has been at one job for a long time is this way, but a lot of them are, at least in the legal field. They tend to be bossy and overbearing and resent it when you are not intimidated by them.)
Who knows, this job’s been open for a while and they’ve interviewed a bunch of people, and they may not even offer it to me. I’d like to explore some more options, but seeing as how unemployment is less than half my former (inadequate) salary, I’m not sure I will have much of a choice.
But I don’t want to go on a bunch of fucking interviews, either. It’s too fucking hot to be dressing up that much.
I hate lawyers.
PS – Answer to the riddle: to keep the foreskin from crawling up.