So I’ve been doing a little window-shopping for my fall wardrobe needs, and ran across some truly hideous socks (see my tweet. They’re fucking disturbing), and it made me think about my list of fashion “don’ts”.
(1) Peep toe boots. Seriously. If it’s cold enough to wear boots, it’s cold enough that you don’t want your extremities sticking out of shoes.
(2) Boots with capri pants and/or bare legs. Really? Either way, I think it’s tacky. Again. Cold enough for boots = cold enough for your legs to be covered. And don’t even get me started on Uggs with shorts.
(3) Dolman sleeves. If you have big shoulders and upper arms, they make you look like a first-round draft pick. If you have small shoulders, they make them look smaller, like you’re wearing the wrong size shirt. Either way, if you lift up your arms, your bra shows.
(4) Puffy sleeves. I hate them. HATE HATE HATE. At least dolman sleeves are comfortable. Puffy sleeves just pinch your arm fat and leave a big welt, as well as highlighting the fattest part of your arm. There is no reason for anyone over the age of 5 to wear these. Even the long puffy sleeves are bad–they just leave the welts around your wrists.
(5) Any dress hemmed to mid-calf. It makes your legs look stumpy, and implies that you would consider wearing suntan-colored pantyhose with sandals.
(6) Arm warmers. We have something to solve the problem of cold arms. They’re called “sleeves.”
(7) Super-high wedges. No one can walk in that shit. Stilettos, some people can work. I am not one of those people, but you see people walking in them that don’t look like they’re going to fall over. Mostly these people are supermodels or drag queens, but I’ve worked with a few people that rocked it. No one looks graceful in super-high wedges. They look like they’re about to faceplant. Plus, they make your feet look like hooves.
(8) Head to toe floral prints. They were bad in the 80’s. They’re still bad. (On a side note, when did things from the 80’s become “vintage”? I saw someone on Etsy using “vintage 80’s fabric” and I wondered if yes, I’m really that fucking old, or whether people are rushing the “vintage” moniker.)