“I Could Go Crazy on a Night Like Tonight”

After a few fruitless hours of laying in bed playing Cubistry and reading a chapter of five different books, I do what I always do. I get up and smoke a cigarette and try to get three stars on a couple of levels of Angry Birds that serve only to make me think I’m even dumber than I already think I am lately while simultaneously not being distracted from all of the shit that is keeping me awake. As I’m outside in the breezeway at our apartments, I can see lights in a few windows and hear a few TV’s, and I know I’m not the only one awake. It makes it a little less lonely.

I don’t have a job. Again. And I really don’t know why. Oh sure, I have some suspicions, mostly involving a now-former evil bitch co-worker, but they’re only suspicions. Part of me does not want to believe that someone so fucking dumb had any impact whatsoever on the decision-making process of the person in charge; the other part of me knows that this is a good possibility. Ultimately, though, it’s another entry on the resume that I have to explain in an interview, another nail in the coffin of my search for success.

The problem is, the thought of going on any more interviews for any more legal jobs makes me want to vomit. I just don’t know if I can put on that face again, if I can pretend that I care…because I don’t, really, not anymore. I am not entirely sure I ever cared. The thing is, for me, law office work comes easy. I understand it. I can pretty much walk into any law firm and do whatever needs to get done and run circles around their current employees. But I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the mind games, I’m tired of attorneys treating me like I’m as stupid as the rest of their staff, because I’m not. Once upon a time, I was going to go to law school. But a bad semester which resulted in me dropping a couple of classes led to me graduating late led to the student loan assholes not getting that memo and putting my loans in default when I was still in school led to me thinking that I did not have the energy to straighten out that mess and fix everything so I could get financial aid led to me getting a couple of jobs, one of which was in a law firm.

I didn’t really have a clear idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up, so I fell into a career by default. And after getting beaten down and battered and had so many people tell me I should go to law school while simultaneously treating me like I was the stupidest person they ever met, I just didn’t really want to be a part of it. Plus, at least in this town, it’s a boys’ club. The female attorneys are either stuck in an office writing briefs, working three times as hard as their male colleagues for partnerships, or being complete assface cuntwiches who hate any other woman with half a brain. Part of me thinks great, let me in there, I’ll show them…and the other part of me just wants something in my life not to be such a goddamn struggle. And in the meantime, I feel caught in the middle, like I don’t have anything in common with my co-workers but I don’t have the credentials to be with the people with whom I have more in common. I want out. But how? How do I get a different job, when everything I look at in other fields demands a degree or experience I do not have? I can’t make my employment history into something it’s not. And when I look at those “skill-driven” resumes, all I see is BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT. Of course, this leads me to the conclusion that an HR representative looking at this shit is going to think the same thing, which leads to me sending my same old boring-ass resume to the same old boring-ass headhunters in the hopes that just this once I’ll get lucky and find the one small corner of non-crazy.

I am stuck. I am sitting here in a grungy flannel and yoga pants that have only left my body to be washed a few times in the last three weeks. I have watched stupid TV and played stupid video games and taken too many naps. I have eaten entirely too many Russell Stover Coconut Cream Eggs. And I still don’t know what to do. My old boss is trying to get me a job at the firm where he works, but do I really want that? I don’t know. I do know that I’m sick of being someone’s secretary. I’m sick of not getting credit for what I do. I’m sick of having to beg for basic cost of living raises when I do three times as much work as the rest of the staff. I’m sick of being the one that gets shitcanned. I’m sick of feeling this way.

The problem is, most of my friends work in law firms or are lawyers; the ones who don’t are people that I haven’t talked to in a while, or they are nurses, or they are in financial services. So basically, I’m kind of screwed on the connections thing…I don’t really know anyone who does anything creative or different or fun, and I don’t have any idea what resources are available to me to find those kind of jobs. Applying for shit on Monster or through company websites is sort of a waste of time…if you don’t know someone at the company, chances are your resume will hit the recycle bin, especially if you’re trying to get into a different field and your resume doesn’t quite match.

I’m at a loss. I can’t sit home for very much longer. Our household does require two incomes to function properly. Plus, I’m restless and bored and depressed. This is not a good combination for me. I have to do something, and soon. My mom wants me to come visit next week – it’s her spring break – and getting out of here would be good. However, sometimes being at my mom’s house is hard for me. My stepfather is always around. He’s disabled. He’s kind of high-maintenance. Plus, my mom’s house is all organized, which of course makes me feel like more of an inadequate failure, because my house can in no way be considered organized. Lando keeps it from getting to hoarders level, and I’ve been trying to at least not leave my clothes in a pile in the bathroom and load the dishwasher, but my desk area looks like a bomb exploded and so does the spare bedroom (which is basically my closet).

My brain just keeps going in circles. I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

Song of the Day: “Mystery” – Indigo Girls
Today’s Time Waster: Pinterest. I still totally don’t understand it, but I’m sure I’ll get there.
What I’m Craving: Direction.

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One comment on ““I Could Go Crazy on a Night Like Tonight”

  1. Pingback: Talk of Circadian Rhythms… | Loopier by the Minute

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