Ten Things Making My Head Hurt Today

1. Baby lawyer who doesn’t think it’s overkill to send something by e-mail, fax, and certified mail.

2. Same baby lawyer who will arbitrarily schedule and reschedule things without one single thought to how many phone calls that will entail.

3. For fuck’s sake, I started doing this when you were in goddamn second grade. I am not even putting up with this high-maintenance bullshit.

4. Oh god her assistant gave notice.

5. My cell phone’s battery life has turned to shit, even though I task-manager shut down everything every time I so much as open an app.

6. Microsoft Word, which will track the FUCK out of document revisions…until you want it to.

7. Microsoft Outlook, which for some reason today, will not let me cut and paste something from an e-mail into a Word document, meaning I have to retype a wall of text about Medicare Set Aside Trusts.

8. Trying to eat lunch and read a goddamn book while all the lawyers are trying to out-talk one another over the TV which is on Fox News.

9. The other baby lawyer who has no concept of prioritization.

10. The realization that the solution to all Candy Crush problems is a color bomb + striped candy.


Brown paper packages tied up with strings…

…oh whoops, that’s supposed to be a fitting song lyric for FMM, but it also sort of sounds like a “plain brown wrapper.”

At some point in the near future, I do plan to write about my recent insomnia treatment, because it’s interesting and also there are cat pictures involved. However, it’s been busy as fuck at work, which is what tends to happen when your boss ignores little reminders on the docket about things like trial exhibits being due in two fucking cases this week. I worked yesterday. I worked 11 hours today, and could have stayed longer but I was HONGRY.

Anyway. I am going to do Friend Makin’ Monday, simply because it’s a good way to at least update a little.

If you have a blog, I would like to invite you to answer the questions as well. Leave me a comment here, so I know you are playing. Then you can also leave a comment over at Losing Weight and Having Fun, so other folks can check out your answers as well. It is a fun way to connect to other bloggers.

1. Favorite color? (be specific… what shade of blue/green/red etc)

I tend to like all the super-saturated jewel tones, but blood red is my favorite. Like this color:

If I could find lipstick this color, I would die happy.

If I could find lipstick this color, I would die happy.

2. Favorite piece of clothing you own?

Right now? This shirt:

Casual Friday FTW.

Casual Friday FTW.

I’m also rather fond of my striped Kiyonna Convertible Skirt.

3. Favorite smartphone app?

Angry Birds.

4. Favorite city?

Of the places I’ve been, Seattle, followed by Austin.

5. Favorite strength training exercise?

In terms of something that will flat kick your ass, that one where you put one of those big exercise balls between you and the wall, and sort of use it to roll downward, like you’re going to sit down but you stop at about the point where you’re not sure you can get back up, much less get back up 15 more times. You’re basically doing lunges, but it also works your core.

6. Favorite vegetable?

Mushrooms. If fungi don’t count, potatoes. If those don’t count, summer squash.

7. Favorite hair product? (shampoo, styling, conditioner etc)

Lush Ultimate Shine Solid Shampoo and Biosilk shine serum.

8. Favorite animal?

Cats. But I also like penguins, sloths, and elephants.

9. Favorite superhero?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

10. Favorite recipe? (share the details with us)

My chicken and dumplings kick ass. I don’t have any pictures, but they’re not photogenic anyway. It’s a delicious bowl of beige.

That’s all I have tonight. I can’t even type anymore. I spent most of the afternoon/evening with a roll of redacting tape and a stack of medical records, and my fingers hurt because you really have to smash that shit on there to make sure it sticks to the paper and won’t end up wound around the document feeder in the copier. (It’s like post-it adhesive.)

Song of the Day: Gorillaz – “Clint Eastwood”
Today’s Time Waster: Preparing exhibits for a fucking case that’s probably going to settle at the last goddamn minute after I work a bunch of 60 hour weeks.
What I’m Craving: My office manager to get with the program and buy Adobe Acrobat Pro so I can redact on the computer instead of ending up with redacting tape spooge all over my fingers.

Girls on Film (FMM)

This weekend was what passes for busy lately. Saturday was my friend’s birthday, so I had to go get her a present, get my nails did, etc. I forgot to get an outfit picture, but I wore the Keira Kimono Sleeve Top from Kiyonna (via Gwynnie Bee) with some jeans and red shoes. We went to the dive bar in Norman we go to every year for her birthday. Usually they play good music, but this time I was kind of “meh.” I had fun seeing some people I hadn’t seen in a while, though.

Sunday, we went & had lunch with Lando’s family – I guess our niece got pre-baptized or some shit. I was pretty casual. I always feel like I dress wrong when we go hang with his family…I either feel overdressed (usually, even though it’s mostly just a basic dress of some sort) or underdressed (they were all in church clothes and we were not).

It’s time once more for Friend Makin’ Monday, brought to you by Kenlie at All the Weigh. If you participate, please link in my comments and hers. On to today’s topic:

TV, Movies, and Me

1. If you could be a recurring star on a show that is currently on TV, which show would you choose?
Not gonna lie….Glee.

2. Name the movie that you are most embarrassed to admit that you love.
The movies with “Bring it On” in the title.

3. Name one show that you’ve never seen and would love to watch.
Hmm. Most of the TV shows I’m interested in, I’ve seen or don’t want to watch until they’re over (I hate waiting for sequels). I liked Hailey’s Broadway idea, so I’ll go with “The Book of Mormon.”

4. Do you ever go to movies alone?
I have before, but lately, I just generally don’t go to the movies that often…it has to be something pretty spectacular for me to go pay $10 plus popcorn. We have a giant TV and a Blu-Ray player and a comfy couch.

5. If you could only watch one TV show for the next year, which show would you choose and why?
CSI…there are lots of seasons on DVD.

6. If you could star in one reality show, which one would it be and why?
What Not to Wear…Clinton & Stacey need a fat friend. They do a good job with hourglass & pear shapes, but they have no idea what to do with more apple/rectangle/oval people. They also need someone to explain that blazers don’t look good on everyone.

7. If someone rented a billboard for you, what would it say?
Probably “STOP MOPING.”

8. Who is the most famous person with whom you have been in the same room?
Unless you count concerts or book-reading type things, I really haven’t been around anyone famous. I think Barbara Bush was on one of my flights to Houston once, but she was at the front of the plane and I was way at the back. I only know about it because my mom told me when I (finally) got off the plane.

9. If you were chosen to be a contestant on a TV game show, which show would you want to be on?
“The Singing Bee” or “Jeopardy”.

10. If there was a movie being made about you, which actor would you choose to play you?
I’m going to go with Melissa McCarthy or Ashley Fink.

Song of the Day: “Natural One” – Folk Implosion
Today’s Time Waster: I love the kitty paw curl.
What I’m Craving: Stimulation.

“I Could Go Crazy on a Night Like Tonight”

After a few fruitless hours of laying in bed playing Cubistry and reading a chapter of five different books, I do what I always do. I get up and smoke a cigarette and try to get three stars on a couple of levels of Angry Birds that serve only to make me think I’m even dumber than I already think I am lately while simultaneously not being distracted from all of the shit that is keeping me awake. As I’m outside in the breezeway at our apartments, I can see lights in a few windows and hear a few TV’s, and I know I’m not the only one awake. It makes it a little less lonely.

I don’t have a job. Again. And I really don’t know why. Oh sure, I have some suspicions, mostly involving a now-former evil bitch co-worker, but they’re only suspicions. Part of me does not want to believe that someone so fucking dumb had any impact whatsoever on the decision-making process of the person in charge; the other part of me knows that this is a good possibility. Ultimately, though, it’s another entry on the resume that I have to explain in an interview, another nail in the coffin of my search for success.

The problem is, the thought of going on any more interviews for any more legal jobs makes me want to vomit. I just don’t know if I can put on that face again, if I can pretend that I care…because I don’t, really, not anymore. I am not entirely sure I ever cared. The thing is, for me, law office work comes easy. I understand it. I can pretty much walk into any law firm and do whatever needs to get done and run circles around their current employees. But I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the mind games, I’m tired of attorneys treating me like I’m as stupid as the rest of their staff, because I’m not. Once upon a time, I was going to go to law school. But a bad semester which resulted in me dropping a couple of classes led to me graduating late led to the student loan assholes not getting that memo and putting my loans in default when I was still in school led to me thinking that I did not have the energy to straighten out that mess and fix everything so I could get financial aid led to me getting a couple of jobs, one of which was in a law firm.

I didn’t really have a clear idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up, so I fell into a career by default. And after getting beaten down and battered and had so many people tell me I should go to law school while simultaneously treating me like I was the stupidest person they ever met, I just didn’t really want to be a part of it. Plus, at least in this town, it’s a boys’ club. The female attorneys are either stuck in an office writing briefs, working three times as hard as their male colleagues for partnerships, or being complete assface cuntwiches who hate any other woman with half a brain. Part of me thinks great, let me in there, I’ll show them…and the other part of me just wants something in my life not to be such a goddamn struggle. And in the meantime, I feel caught in the middle, like I don’t have anything in common with my co-workers but I don’t have the credentials to be with the people with whom I have more in common. I want out. But how? How do I get a different job, when everything I look at in other fields demands a degree or experience I do not have? I can’t make my employment history into something it’s not. And when I look at those “skill-driven” resumes, all I see is BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT. Of course, this leads me to the conclusion that an HR representative looking at this shit is going to think the same thing, which leads to me sending my same old boring-ass resume to the same old boring-ass headhunters in the hopes that just this once I’ll get lucky and find the one small corner of non-crazy.

I am stuck. I am sitting here in a grungy flannel and yoga pants that have only left my body to be washed a few times in the last three weeks. I have watched stupid TV and played stupid video games and taken too many naps. I have eaten entirely too many Russell Stover Coconut Cream Eggs. And I still don’t know what to do. My old boss is trying to get me a job at the firm where he works, but do I really want that? I don’t know. I do know that I’m sick of being someone’s secretary. I’m sick of not getting credit for what I do. I’m sick of having to beg for basic cost of living raises when I do three times as much work as the rest of the staff. I’m sick of being the one that gets shitcanned. I’m sick of feeling this way.

The problem is, most of my friends work in law firms or are lawyers; the ones who don’t are people that I haven’t talked to in a while, or they are nurses, or they are in financial services. So basically, I’m kind of screwed on the connections thing…I don’t really know anyone who does anything creative or different or fun, and I don’t have any idea what resources are available to me to find those kind of jobs. Applying for shit on Monster or through company websites is sort of a waste of time…if you don’t know someone at the company, chances are your resume will hit the recycle bin, especially if you’re trying to get into a different field and your resume doesn’t quite match.

I’m at a loss. I can’t sit home for very much longer. Our household does require two incomes to function properly. Plus, I’m restless and bored and depressed. This is not a good combination for me. I have to do something, and soon. My mom wants me to come visit next week – it’s her spring break – and getting out of here would be good. However, sometimes being at my mom’s house is hard for me. My stepfather is always around. He’s disabled. He’s kind of high-maintenance. Plus, my mom’s house is all organized, which of course makes me feel like more of an inadequate failure, because my house can in no way be considered organized. Lando keeps it from getting to hoarders level, and I’ve been trying to at least not leave my clothes in a pile in the bathroom and load the dishwasher, but my desk area looks like a bomb exploded and so does the spare bedroom (which is basically my closet).

My brain just keeps going in circles. I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

Song of the Day: “Mystery” – Indigo Girls
Today’s Time Waster: Pinterest. I still totally don’t understand it, but I’m sure I’ll get there.
What I’m Craving: Direction.

FMM: Techno-Geek Time.

Today’s friend-makin’ Monday, brought to you by All the Weigh via Divine Diva.

1. PC or Mac?

PC. I like Macs in theory, but I have mostly used PC’s. Plus, I am more comfortable popping open the PC case and replacing parts (i.e., more RAM, video card, I could probably even do a CD drive or power supply – not sure about the hard drive and/or motherboard, but I’m sure I could figure it out eventually).

2. When did you get your first computer?

We had a Tandy 64 when I was a kid, then some sort of early PC. I got my own when I went to college in 1992. I didn’t really discover the internet till 1994 or 1995…even then, it was mostly bulletin boards and games (anyone remember Acrophobia? I wasted so much time on that shit.) My university didn’t have an open network at that point. A lot of people didn’t even really have e-mail yet. I eventually switched to AOL in the late 90s because the local ISP I had been using folded. I kept it for a while, but eventually just used IE and then Firefox.

3. Do you use cable, DSL or something else?

Cable, but I hate it. I liked DSL so much better. I’m sure that’s not everyone’s experience, but the connection was way more reliable and faster. Our cable internet times out all the time, and it’s been through several periods of not working right. For example, it was chugging along fine, and then it suddenly slowed WAY down. World of Warcraft was almost unplayble because of the lag, and forget watching videos. We called, and they kept saying the problem was on our end. Finally, they sent a truck to the apartment complex, and it magically started working again. But it was our problem. Also, around this time, they also sent a “free upgrade” pass. We haven’t had as many issues, but we’ve still had the occasional bad connection. I would sign us up for DSL, but Lando is in charge of that department and he previously had a severe disagreement with the DSL provider in our area (who used to be a long-distance provider, when such things were not free).

4. When choosing a laptop, do you think it’s more important to choose the fastest one, or the lightest one?

Depends on how much you travel. If you don’t travel a lot, the fastest. If you do, the weight needs to figure in. If you have to have a fast one, get one of those rolling briefcases, otherwise one flight delay and you feel like your shoulder is going to fall off from carrying that shit.

5. What kind of cell phone do you own?

HTC Evo 4G, which is bullshit because there is no 4G in Oklahoma from Sprint. They told us they were upgrading it soon. That was a year and a half ago, and they have it all AROUND us….grrr. I like it ok, but I’m considering an iPhone for upgrade time…however, one of my co-workers got a Samsung Galaxy something that is super lightweight, so I may get one of those.

6. How do you carry your laptop when you travel?

Under the seat in front of me. If I am traveling alone, it’s in a girlie computer bag (it’s a plain briefcase-type but it’s a bright pinkish-red); if Lando is with me, it’s in a sleeve in a backpack so he can help carry it without feeling like he has a purse.

7. How many e-mails do you send on an average day?

It really depends on what I’m doing and how busy my day at work is. Anywhere from 15-75.

8. Do you ever blog using your iPad or similar tablet?

I have a Kindle Fire, and I hate typing on a touch screen, it makes me feel like an idiot. I’m not a huge texter for the same reason. Like, one of my friends texts me, and starts conversing, and I’m like “just log on to WoW so I can type using a keyboard.” Plus, I’m generally near a PC.

9. What do you use more often – a desktop or a laptop?

Desktop. The laptop is for my infrequent travels.

10. As a blogger, are there other gadgets that you need to get the job done? If so, what are they?

Digital camera or phone camera….that’s about it. And those aren’t 100% necessary, even if a picture *is* worth 1000 words. Let’s face it, most of the pictures I post are of my cats. They’re adorable, but does the internet need more cat pictures? Probably not so much.

More things I should have Tweeted.

  • Ahh, the delicious irony of people with “AMERICA, FUCK YEAH” bumper stickers pasted on foreign cars.
  • Cars should just magically work without the need for such silliness as fuel pumps, power window motors, oil, gas, and rubber window seals.
  • When you call your fucking doctor’s office about something, they should call you the fuck back.
  • Cannot stop listening to “Cough Syrup” (Young the Giant) and “Little Red Wagon” (Audra Mae and the Almighty Sound).
  • I hate people. Especially lawyers.
  • Why do I see both wrinkles and enough oil to fuel a small country on my face AT THE SAME TIME?
  • Why don’t the micro Reese’s cups and/or micro Rolos come in economy size packages?

I have been feeling very like Professor Binns from Harry Potter lately…like I died a long time ago, but my body just keeps doing what it always did. This could be due to stress, lack of sleep, lack of vacation, lack of funds, or the fact that I got my 20-year high school reunion invite on Facebook and I feel like I have accomplished exactly nothing since high school.  At least people I like posted things like “I think I’ll skip the reunion and stay home playing Skyrim in my underwear, I’ll have more fun.” 

I have an appointment with a sleep specialist a week from today.  I am alternating between “please let him prescribe something that makes me go to sleep and doesn’t just make my feet swell up like water balloons” and “yay, there’s another $50 co-pay I don’t have for someone to confirm that yes, I’m fucked up, and no, they can’t really fix it.”

Come on powerball.  Then it won’t matter if I go to bed at 4 am.


Same shit, different office.

Things I should have tweeted.

What is with this “cropped pants and high-heeled ankle boots” shit?  Because it’s ugly.

I don’t understand how someone with a law degree can’t figure out how to attach a file to an e-mail.

I wish Amazon would not recommend every single edition of a book or movie because you say you own one version.

Tired of the lack of originality in books…have been reading a lot of YA fiction because at least it’s not the same old tired “chased by stalker! oh noes, someone buried in yard! dorky yet hot detective to the rescue again!” shit.

Why is it that people don’t realize when they’re yelling and throwing shit around in a concrete breezeway, that the WHOLE COMPLEX can hear them?

Office. 10pm. Friday.  Will kill my boss one procrastinating testicle at a time.

Hate when the boss getting drunk and taking a three hour lunch = me working late.


Realize it looks like I’m complaining about my job again.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been plenty of places that sucked more ass.  However, I’m just a little bitter and resentful lately.  Let’s get some background here….

This job materialized at about the time I thought I was going to have to suck it up and go file for unemployment again.  I had been “laid off” shortly before Christmas.  I was told it was a layoff, but really, the bitch known previously as “Ms. Whiny” wanted me gone, since they had hired her a flunky with a law degree.  Anyway, in the meantime, I was having seriously nasty lower back pain.  I had an MRI in early December that showed some disc bulges, and the doctor said that we should probably try these epidural steroid injections.  This is where they shove a giant needle in your spine, and it’s supposed to make you feel better so they don’t have to fuse your whole back together.  However, due to the incipient holidays, they couldn’t fit me in for this needle-shoving until January.

I get laid off.  I’m depressed and in pain.  I have drugs.  I take them.  I have Shot #1…which was not pleasant, and did not really help.  Also, I swear to god the motherfuckers at that fucking hospital are incompetent.  First, they tell me not to drink anything after midnight.  Then, they want me to pee in a cup so they can be sure I’m not knocked up.  Two bags of IV fluid later, they finally give up and tell me they can do a blood test.  Great, assholes, why didn’t you just do that shit in the first place?  Then, the anesthesia doesn’t really work.  A little too much conscious, not enough sedation.  Another week or two of drugs.  Second shot, which actually does help.

I played a lot of World of Warcraft.  I didn’t sleep nearly enough.  And about the time I decided, ok, really must get off ass, a chick I worked with at the hellhole calls me.  She was the office manager’s assistant who was doing the office manager’s job, and had taken a job at another office, as the actual office manager.  She asked if I was still looking.  I replied in the affirmative, and e-mailed her a resume.  She called two days later and asked if I could start the following day.  I didn’t even have to interview, just show up.  Which was good, because mentally, I was not ready for the kind of fake nice bullshitface I would have to put on to interview for something.

My job is really not exactly challenging, and the person I replaced was a dipshit.  I was working for two younger attorneys.  A year later, after demonstrating that I’m not drooling stupid like some of the morons they hire, they decide I get to be docket bitch.  For those not in the legal field, there are lots of deadlines.  Court deadlines, artificial deadlines created by lawyers trying to feel important, etc.  These deadlines, along with hearings and client meetings and depositions and shit like that, all have to go on a calendar, a/k/a the docket.  Woe be unto you if you do not correctly remember all of the stupid rules or put something down at the wrong time.  Being docket bitch kind of sucks.  Not to mention, the program we use to do it has some quirks.  Things randomly appear.  Closed files show up on to-do lists.  There is no way to make it stop, but they blame you.  They also blame you for shit the three incompetent asstards who did the job BEFORE you did.  The deal was, if I agreed to this horseshit, I would only have to work for one attorney and not two.

Well, that lasted all of four months.

There is one woman in my office…let’s call her Mrs. C.  After Mrs. Chokesondick in South Park, because that’s what her boobs look like.  Not to mention, she’s annoying and repetitive and has absolutely ZERO problem solving skills.  She was supposed to take over attorney #2 for me. She can’t hack it.  The only thing she can do is type, and she even fucks that up.  I’m not entirely sure why she still has a job.  There are a few others…let’s call them Slutface and Artsyface…who also should not have jobs.  However, Slutface flashes cleavage a lot and Artsyface looks good in a short skirt, so they stick around.  Mrs. C is another refugee from my former place of employment, and the office manager kind of promised her she wouldn’t get shitcanned….so I ended up with two attorneys again, plus the docket, and did I get another raise?  Not so much.

Further explanation, dear god this is getting long, but it’s all relevant, pinky swear.  This office drinks a great deal of beer.  Lots and lots of beer.  One of our runner’s jobs is to go get beer and ensure that the fridge is stocked. It’s all for “after hours” but sometimes “after hours” starts a little early on Fridays.  The bosses get drunk while they work late. It’s like a frat house after 5:30.  They break things (like the emergency exit sign and people’s desk decorations and furniture), then they dictate stuff that I have to decipher the next morning or leave me post-it notes that say things like “WTF IS THIS SHIT”.  Really, that’s ok, because I don’t particularly have to watch my mouth at this job, and the same post-it notes go the other direction.

Attorney #2, let’s call him…Mr. Baseball.  (Let’s call attorney #1 Mr. Music.)  Mr. Baseball is currently going through a divorce.  Mr. Baseball is drinking more than usual.  He comes in late, leaves early, and is not getting his shit done.  His procrastination has resulted in me having to work late more than once.  I don’t really give a shit WHAT he does in his personal life.  I give a shit when his personal life interferes with my personal life.  Which is happening.  Then, this afternoon, Mr. Music and the other two attorneys who were actually THERE today drank their lunch, and we were supposed to get to leave early.  Did I?  Not really.  Would I have, if the boss had been there from 1-3pm?  Probably.

I hate lawyers.